little-elephant.thumbnail.jpgAs the US financial system totters on the brink of collapse, serious and responsible people are asking: How will this help Republicans?

There’s no question that financial Armageddon will help the GOP is axiomatic. Everything does.

For you skeptics, I’m including an severely abbreviated list of things that are known to help Republicans: terrorism, lack of terrorism, strong Democrats, weak Democrats, domestic spying, MoveOn, gay marriage, expensive gas, snowmobiles, Hillary Clinton, and rain.

Some Michigan Republicans are finding a silver lining in the dark cloud of (other people’s) home foreclosures. The chair of the Republican Party of Macomb County has announced that he will use a list of foreclosed homes to challenge voters at the polls:

“We will have a list of foreclosed homes and will make sure people aren’t voting from those addresses,” party chairman James Carabelli told Michigan Messenger in a telephone interview earlier this week. He said the local party wanted to make sure that proper electoral procedures were followed. [Michigan Messenger]

Since initial reports of the foreclosure plan, the Michigan Republicans have announced that they won’t be using the foreclosure list after all–which helps Republicans by demonstrating how mean and unreasonable Democrats are always accusing Republicans of doing what they say they’re going to do. At least one former Republican election worker is on the record saying that the plan would help Republicans if they followed through on it.

Another delightfully counterintuitive way that global financial Armageddon helps the Republicans is by tricking the Democrats into saying the economy is bad. When Democrats complain that the economy is bad, Republicans win, according to Republican Don Luskin.

But what about those voters who aren’t in foreclosure and who can’t Democrats trash talking the economy on TV because they opted to buy groceries instead of paying the electric bill? Surely those disgruntled souls will turn out for Obama in droves. Don’t worry, the GOP has it covered. Even if voters somehow miss the Democrats talking smack about the economy, the economic crisis still helps Republicans.

Gas prices near five dollars a gallon help Republicans because those who can’t afford to fill their tanks will have to stay home and sulk on election day instead of driving to the polls to vote for Democrats.

Elegant, isn’t it? When things go well, it helps Republicans. When things go badly, it helps Republicans. When Democrats criticize Republicans for making things go badly, it helps Republicans. Just ask the paid Republican operatives on the major networks. If you’re a Democrat, don’t remind people they are paid Republican operatives posing as objective commentators on a news program that purports to be unbiased. Because, well, you know…